Fancy Wheels Get In The Way Of Real Friendship
A letter to my kindergarten-age children to prioritise finding true friends before accumulating possessions
Dear Sanaa and Samaa,
Build your friendships before you drive a fancy car.
Your daddy and I have driven a Tesla Model S for the last five years. We drove across the continent for seventeen days in it, and she kept all of us warm, cosy and luxuriously entertained. I could not be more grateful for her! People have come up to compliment us or to share their own experience with the same model throughout our journeys. These were welcome niceties on our long road trip, for sure.
…she kept all of us warm, cosy and luxuriously entertained. I could not be more grateful for her! And yet, I miss my very first car .
And yet, now that we have moved to B.C., I miss my very first car - the Toyota RAV4, a rugged but cute four-wheel drive. I have fond memories of off-roading with the green beauty into the wilderness of East Africa. Driving along pot-holed roads (or roaded pot-holes) and discovering herds of zebras grazing under shady trees. Or driving across town without really worrying about scratches, unabashedly competing with the boda-bodas (motorbike taxis) and the matatus (taxi vans) for every inch around the crowded roundabouts in Kampala. Most importantly, no one who ever stopped to have a conversation with me did so because we had the same car. I was never part of an old-boys club because of our wheels.
So what has all of this to do with friendships? My experience is that better friendships develop when first conversations begin with silly fun, or curious questions than “We have one too”. Of course, common likes and dislikes can get you started. You make friends in school because all of you like Elsa and Anna, and dislike vegetables, don’t you? However, having the same fancy toy is not a valid common interest, as you will learn in due course.
You make friends because all of you like Elsa and Anna, and dislike vegetables, don’t you? However, having the same fancy toy is not a valid common interest.
When you try to make friends in a community, talking about what you have is superficial. Of course, people who compliment us in this way are well-meaning folks, just trying to chat us up. And it is not their fault that we decide to drive a cool car. Still, I can’t help but notice that our car attracts people of a certain, narrow social class.
Don’t get me wrong, girls — Your mom loves speaking with successful people, or those who are scientifically savvy or have good taste in design. But as you know, I run away from too much uniformity, of any kind. It is fun to make friends with people who don’t have cars like mine and don’t have lives like mine. Doing so helps us grow and widen our perspectives and powers up our days with marvel. Sporting a Tesla doesn’t help that cause.
I enjoy chatting up people who don’t have cars like mine and who don’t have lives like mine. Doing so helps us grow and widen our perspectives, and powers up our days with marvel.
Worry not, I am keeping our Tesla. I enjoy her, and I know that you do too. But the bottom line is that the toys you gather (and display) will change the kind of friends you attract. If it is a fancy car you are dreaming of at some point, my suggestion is to save it for a time when you have already built genuine friendships. Until then, take the path less taken and buy yourself modest wheels. Trust me. They bring the most fun!
With love,
Mumma
