Advice to my daughters (work-in-progress)

For the longest time, I have been pondering a question — what would I advice my two daughters about having a family, when their time comes?

In all honesty, given my own experiences so far, I cannot advise them to unabashedly “go for it”. It has been difficult physically, emotionally, psychologically, socially, professionally. In other words, trying to be the best parent I can be, has taken a substantial toll on my own health, on my emotional well-being, on my career path and my career aspirations, on my mental narratives of my own life, and on my relationships and friendships. How then, can I advise the girls I love the most, to follow in my footsteps?

Yet, being a mother is the only way I have been able to feel such an unconditional love. To know that I am even capable of it. Yes, I do wake up at midnight to change her diapers no matter how many tantrums she has thrown all day… without a grudge….sometimes, even with a smile!

Trying to teach my two year old how to stick out her tongue and touch her nose, at a waterfall in Tahiti (2019)

It is also the only time in my life that I have discovered my tremendous talent at being goofy! I have experienced several poignant moments that bring tears to my eyes unexpectedly. Being mom has acquainted me with a whole new world of emotions which lay latent in my subconscious. And most importantly, and perhaps one of the most practical benefits of parenthood — I have become way more mindful about my own habits, lifestyle and food choices knowing that two other little beings are observing and emulating every little nuance of my behaviour. Being a mother makes me strive to be the best version of myself that I can be.

So here’s the advice I would give my girls, or so I think today:

1. Parenting and having a family is not everyone’s cup of tea, neither is it everybody’s life purpose. So don’t judge yourself for your choices, and don’t judge others for theirs.
2. The greatest problem in the modern world is women who did not want to be mothers, having children.
3. There are things that a mother and only a mother can do, even when you have a super helpful dad, benevolent grandparents and a couple of nannies.
4. Observe the world around you, carefully and keenly. There are clues in other people’s lives to answer the questions in ours.
5. Hang out with people in a different stage of life than yourself. The perspective that comes from hindsight is impossible to gain with foresight. It will help you make better decisions for yourself, including the choice to have a family (or not).
6. If possible, gain some experience beforehand helping out a friend with babysitting. Pet sitting does not count. Keeping pets is not the same as raising a child, don’t confuse the two.
7. 13 July 2021 — Have plenty of boyfriends before you decide to marry anyone, if at all. Do not marry your first boyfriend, no matter how fantastic he seems at that time.

My four and two year olds, walking hand-in-hand down Mount Eden in Auckland, NZ (2019)

This list is a perpetual work in progress. But then I wonder, why am I thinking about this now when my daughters are 4 and 2! Quite frankly, this is just me guarding against the biases of my future self. An attempt to prevent my future self from glossing over the challenging parts of being a parent and later on, sharing only a censored memory of my experience, at a time when my daughters need to hear the truth, the most.

I’m curious what’s on your list? What would you advise your children about choosing to be a parent? Please share your thoughts and experiences below in the comments, thanks!